14 years ago
Sunday, December 28, 2008
New Stock Market Terms
CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULLMARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEARMARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance,
the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUEINVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/ERATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER-- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD&POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCKANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCKSPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIALPLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKETCORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASHFLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo@ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONALINVESTOR -- Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use
Worst Hi-Jacking
We shall never know the identity ofthe man who in 1976 made the most unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose from his seat, drew gun and took the stewardess hostage. 'Take me to Detroit,' he demanded. 'We're already going to Detroit,'she replied. 'Oh ... good,' he said, and sat down again.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Mom's Word
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.”
So he sat down and wrote “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.”
Lesson of the day: Don’t lie to your mother.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.”
So he sat down and wrote “Dear Mother, I’m not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.”
Lesson of the day: Don’t lie to your mother.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Kids Christmas Outlook
Two little girls were looking at a picture of the Virgin Mary holding Baby Jesus.
"That's Mary," said the older girl, "and that's her baby Jesus in her arms." "Where's Jesus's dad then?" asked her little sister.
"Oh he is the one taking the picture," replied her sister.
"That's Mary," said the older girl, "and that's her baby Jesus in her arms." "Where's Jesus's dad then?" asked her little sister.
"Oh he is the one taking the picture," replied her sister.
Christmas Dog
A poem by Shel Silverstein
Tonight's my first night as a watchdog,
Tonight's my first night as a watchdog,
And here it is Christmas Eve.
The children are sleeping all cozy upstairs,
While I'm guardin' the stockin's and tree.
What's that now---
footsteps on the rooftop?
Could it be a cat or a mouse?
Who's this down the chimney?
A thief with a beard---
And a big sack for robbin' the house?
I'm barkin', I'm growlin',
I'm bitin' his butt.
He howls and jumps back in his sleigh.
I scare his strange horses,
they leap in the air.
I've frightened the whole bunch away.
Now the house is all peaceful and quiet again.
The stockin's are safe as can be.
Won't the kiddies be glad,
when they wake up tomorrow and see
how I've guarded the tree.
Gum Gummer
Al has been chewing and saving gum 
since he was 6 years old. Growing up Al's family didn't have much money and chewing gum was a luxury they could barely afford. He started saving all his chewing gum, sticking the chewed wads under his bed. Al always had gum when the urge to chew hit him.
since he was 6 years old. Growing up Al's family didn't have much money and chewing gum was a luxury they could barely afford. He started saving all his chewing gum, sticking the chewed wads under his bed. Al always had gum when the urge to chew hit him. Over the years, He picked up new sticks of gum from trading cards or beneath restaurant benches or tables. He saved all the pieces, combined old and new ones to make the flavor pop in his mouth.
He once lost the wad of gooeyness in his beard for 2 yeats back in the 60's. "ABC" (already been chewed) gum won't harm a person unless they swallow it.
He still continues to add to his wad and chews it with gusto. Not an easy chore for the man who lost all his teeth back in the 70's. He claims his jaw got so strong , he is loaned out as a human hammer. He can pull out 100 nails in 20 seconds.Can your hammer do that?
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Albert Einstein's Only Friend
The young boy in the picture is Albert Einstein, who grew up to be perhaps the most famous scientist of all times. But what about the little girl? That, dear readers, was Maja Einstein, Albert’s sister and only friend during his childhood:
On November 18 in 1881 Albert Einstein’s (1879–1955) sister Maria – called Maja – was born in Munich. Her Jewish parents, Hermann Einstein and Pauline Einstein, nee Koch, had moved from Ulm to Munich in June 1880 with their two-year-old son Albert. There Hermann Einstein and his brother Jakob had founded the electrical engineering company Einstein & Cie. When little Albert saw his sister for the first time he thought she were a kind of toy and asked: “Yes, but where does it have its small wheels?” Maja and her brother Albert got along very well all their life.
Link [wikipedia]
On November 18 in 1881 Albert Einstein’s (1879–1955) sister Maria – called Maja – was born in Munich. Her Jewish parents, Hermann Einstein and Pauline Einstein, nee Koch, had moved from Ulm to Munich in June 1880 with their two-year-old son Albert. There Hermann Einstein and his brother Jakob had founded the electrical engineering company Einstein & Cie. When little Albert saw his sister for the first time he thought she were a kind of toy and asked: “Yes, but where does it have its small wheels?” Maja and her brother Albert got along very well all their life.
Link [wikipedia]
Friday, December 19, 2008
Fantasy Foot Fetish
A 22 year-old woman sought medical attention for a growth on the bottom of her foot and it turned out to be a fully formed nipple, with areola and the usual glands.The woman was not surprised and said it actually works out well because her husband has a foot fetish and it feels great when he rubs the growth while he’s sucking on her toes, although she admits she can’t stop giggling.
Doctors recommended that she not have the nipple removed on the off chance that she might have triplets some day.Here’s a question for the attorneys out there. If you go out in public barefooted, with a nipple on your foot, could you be arrested for indecent exposure?
Source: Dermatology Online Journal
Source: Dermatology Online Journal
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Wrinkle Remover HMmmmmm
I am guessing the manufacturer is a Logan's Run fanatic. Turn back the ages by using the Safetox electronic wrinkle remover. Using a process called Electro-Inhibition, the wonder-woman styled amulet promises to reduce wrinkles by up to 65% in just six weeks . Personally, I would rather live with a few lines than be taken away by white-jacketed men. Imagine wearing this to work or *gasp*in any public place.Great gear to wear while picking up little Johnny or Betsy from school or a friend's house.
Available at Safetox
Available at Safetox
Fa-la-la-la Ugly
These sweaters were so hideous that the family closed their eyes while being photographed.Priceless!
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
Fashion Doesn't Make Sense
Anna Ter Haar’s Dripping Sunglasses made for the catwalk show of designer Klavers van Engelen fall / winter 2008-2009 collection shown at Milan fashion week.See more work by Anna Ter Harr.
Sneaker Slippers
While spending more leisure hours at home due to the economic problems, the folks at String Republic , have combined the comfort of the slipper with the cool look of tennis shoes. Maybe a pair of slippers wouldn’t be such a bad stocking filler this christmas?Made to look like your favorite neato sneakers, these pure virgin-wool lined slippers are stylish enough that you can wear them without embarassment when company drops by.
Buy them now in time for christmas at String Republic.
Buy them now in time for christmas at String Republic.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Cloning Taken Too Far
This is what would happen if Tweety the canary, and Yellowfin the goldfish mated.
Felon Cat Has An Early Christmas
A real-life cat burglar has left his owner feeling slightly embarassed by swiping dozens of cuddly toys from nearby homes.
This feline felon has got his claws into 35 teddies and soft toys in the last year.
The owner believes the two-year-old feline is sneaking into her neighbours' homes.
He drags each one of his treasures through the catflap before putting them on display on the same spot in the living room.
This feline felon has got his claws into 35 teddies and soft toys in the last year.
The owner believes the two-year-old feline is sneaking into her neighbours' homes.
He drags each one of his treasures through the catflap before putting them on display on the same spot in the living room.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
