A Crock Of Bull Rated PG-13

A young Aggie stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The Aggie, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the Aggie returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

Blonde Vs Bus

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn’t find it, so he asked a police officer for directions, “Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?”The officer replied, “Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It’ll take you right there.”She thanked the officer and the officer drove off.Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, our blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop. The officer got out of his car and said, “Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?”The blonde replied, “Don’t worry, officer, it won’t be long now. The 47th bus just went by!”

A Quick Thinking Officer

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility.
.. Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?' A: 'No sir . But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.' Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description? ' A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.' Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?' A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.' Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?' A: 'Yes sir, we do!' Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?' A: 'Yes sir, I do.' Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?' A: 'Yes sir.' Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?' A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.' The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

Kitty Training

Friendship, Men vs. Women:

Friendship Among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. Not one of them knew anything about it.
Friendship Among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Late Friday Joke

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience He said "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"

The audience was in silence and shock. The speaker added "And that woman was my mother." Laughter and applause.

A week later, a top IT manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home.

He was a bit foggy after a drink.He said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife".

The wife went wild with shock and rage.

Standing there for 30 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out ".... and I can't remember who she was!"

Moral of the story:Don't copy if you can't paste!

Lost Luggage

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry as they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

Fireside Chat With A Monkey

Q: What do monkeys do for laughs?
A: They tell people jokes!

It's Frankie Time

Q: What does Frankenstein's monster call a screwdriver? A: Daddy.
Q: Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?A: His ghoul friend.
Q.Why did Frankenstein squeeze his girlfriend to death?A. He had a crush on her.
Q: What did Dr. Frankenstein get when he put his goldfish's brain in the body of his dog? A: I don't know, but it is great at chasing submarines.

Let's Go Batty

Chased by a coffin

A man is walking home alone late on Halloween night.
It's dark, and the streetlights are out. Suddenly, he hears
BUMP!
BUMP!
BUMP!
Behind him. He walks faster, but the sound keeps coming.
BUMP!
BUMP!
BUMP!
Worried he is being followed, he glances behind him and through the darkness, and he can just see an upright coffin.
No one seems to be holding the coffin; it's just bumping down the street behind him.
The man is scared. He's sure it's following him! In an effort to shake it off, her turns a corner. To his relief, the sound stops. He keeps walking but before a minute has passed, he hears the familiar sound behind him again:
BUMP!
BUMP!
BUMP!
He is terrified! He starts to run towards his home, but the faster he runs, the faster the coffin bounces along behind him!
Bumpity BUMP!
Bumpity BUMP!
Bumpity BUMP!
He pushes open his front gate, and runs up the path, fumbling for his keys. The coffin reaches the gate and effortlessly pushes it open. It's right behind him!!!
Finally his shaking hands manage to unlock his front door. He has no time to slam it behind him; the coffin is right on his heels! He rushes up the stairs, praying the coffin cannot climb after him.
BUMP!
BUMP!
BUMP!
The coffin pauses at the bottom of the stairs. The man breathes a sigh of relief but ...
clappity BUMP...
clappity BUMP...
clappity BUMP...
The coffin is now climbing the stairs behind him. He runs to the bathroom perhaps he can lock himself in there! His heart pounds and his lungs hurt with the exertion of running for his life! He has only just latched the bathroom door when ...
CRASH!!!
The coffin breaks through the bathroom door!
What can he do? The coffin is nearly upon him! He reaches out for something heavy that he can throw at the coffin, and his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of cough syrup.
Desperately, he throws the cough syrup as hard as he can at the coffin and
...........
...........
(Wait for it)
...........
...........
..........finally the coffin stops!!