Cynical Wit

1. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
4. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
5. A penny saved is a government oversight.
6. He who hesitates is probably right.
7. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
8. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
9. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
10. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth!
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
14. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
15. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.