A bomb went off in the toilets of the local Police station today. The papers say they have nothing to go on.
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and says, "Beer please, and one for the road."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
Answering machine message, ".... If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key ...."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well”, says the vet, "Let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "Why, because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"