Murphy's Law For Kids

The more you hate spinach, the more likely it is you will have it for dinner.
The more you need to go potty, the harder it is to get your pants down.
If you miss the school bus, it will always be on the day of a field trip or party.
If you spill your milk, the dumb dog won’t lick it up no matter what you promise.
If you use the sofa for a trampoline, you will forget about your muddy tennis shoes until later.
If you have a helium birthday balloon, it will get caught in the ceiling fan.
The more unbreakable a toy is supposed to be, the sooner you will break it.
The harder you try to hide something behind your back, the more likely mom will know.
If you forget to put something away, it will be the carton of ice cream.
The more you try to sit still in church, the more your underwear scratches.
When you have to do you homework before going outside, you will invariably get stuck on the last problem.
The more you try to hurry while getting dressed, the greater the probability that you can’t find socks without holes.
If you kick anything under the bed to hide it, the cat will be sleeping there.
If you remember to wash your hands before eating, the dog will lick you on the mouth.
The more relatives your have in the audience at the school play, the greater the likelihood of forgetting your lines.
If you remember to turn out the lights in the basement, dad will be downstairs.
If you try to flush the goldfish, the toilet will clog and run over.
The more parts a game has, the greater the likelihood that it will get spilled.
Snack food is always on the highest kitchen shelf instead of in the bottom cabinet.
The more you want to go outside and play, the longer it takes to clean your room.
The newer your shoes are, the more rain puddles you will see to tempt you.
If you wake up with a stomachache and fever, it will always be on Saturday.
If Murphy were a kid, he would lose his lunch money.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Do you think maybe the next time I visit the family farm you could ask Uncle Eddy to dress up just a wee bit??

Wakin' A Drunk Friend

http://www.youtube.com Posted by weezer . Funny prank- how to wake up a drunk passed out friend or at least scare him.

10 New Years Resolutions Already Broken

10Go to church/synagogue/mosque. "Ooh, that's really early on a weekend."9Stop gossiping. "But seriously, Donald Trump called Rosie a what?"8Keep up with current events. "Wait, did a head of state just die?"7Party less. Border every *other* night.6Drink more water. "Tonic water counts right?"5Go on a diet. For those 21 and over, that means Coors Light and rum and Diet Coke. For those of you under 21 (and obviously not drinking), diet soda, cheese pizza and fat-free ranch.4Exercise. Walking on the ice is like running on the treadmill anyway.3Eat balanced meals. Cheeseburger (dairy and protein), beer (starch), onion rings (vegetables) and the orange slice on the plate (fruit).2Spend less� "Oh, is that a new Prada bag?"1Stop procrastinating. "But I am going to start after the first weekend back."

Chicken Dance

THE CLAYMAN'S DANCING CHICKEN####Pick a song.Then move your cursor or use your keyboard to make the chicken dance.(via Ursi's Blog)

Click Here to get this from pYzam.com!

Leaning Tower Hoax

So called Leaning Tower actually straightening.
Millions of tourists duped!
Italian authorities have perpetrated an elaborate hoax to garner tourist trade. The Tower of Pisa was intentionally built at a 45 degree angle to make it seem unusual and tourist worthy.
Italian impresario Marcello Messtrioni came up with the scheme and presented it to the city of Pisa as a way of rejuvenating it's flagging economy. The city was looking for a way to attract tourists dollars and immediately authorized the construction.
Tourists flocked to the Pisa adding untold millions to the local economy. Unfortunately the site's soil conditions were unstable and over the years the builders hard work has slowly been eroded as the tower continues to right itself.
The so called Leaning Tower of Pisa is actually straightening. Engineers estimate by the year 2005 the tower will be completely straight almost perpendicular to the ground. Another tourist scam will have ended.

Tow Woes

Tow, Tow, Tow My Car
Tow, tow, tow my car ,Gently down the street, Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, Parking's not for me.***My friend Lamar and I have decided that the absolute easiest money-making idea in the world is to operate a towing company. It's simple: win a contract with your city government, tow everything within sight (there's always a reason), and then charge $105 to drive it to your parking lot, where you may immediately begin tacking on a $10/day storage fee. It's like dragging somebody else's ship around the Monopoly board and collecting $200 at every 4th turn. Except there's no such thing as "Free Parking."If you think about it, towing is like a citizen's arrest on your car. I mean, sure, maybe you're parked "illegally," but more often than not a police officer is just gonna give you a ticket. (Hey, public schools don't pay for themselves.) It's the private property residents and parking lot owners who really give a shit about you taking up their space or blocking their shit. So they call up some other citizens who have made it their sole job to arrest and detain vehicles. If only Dog the Bounty Hunter had such pathetic lawbreakers unwilling to put up a fight... I bet his show would be a lot less interesting and his hair a lot less platinum blonde (I'm still not sure which would happen first).Towing isn't the only parking consequence either. Sometimes, just when you spot your car in the same place you left it and start high-fiving your friends, you realize you got the BOOT. The boot is not something your car put on because its feet got cold. The boot is more like a citizen's arrest performed by strapping an anchor to one of the guilty party's feet. Sure there's a risk of escape, but you're not gonna get very far before somebody calls the police because it looks like you were kidnapped and thrown over a bridge.But I think I've got the solution: I'm going to buy my OWN boot and keep a bright yellow parking ticket handy. Then, whenever I park in a high-risk zone, I'll just put both on my car and it will look as though the damage has already been done. God I'm ahead of my time.

Stupid Crimes By Smart People Heh!

Cleveland Heights , Ohio-- Returning to the scene of an exotic snake heist proved to be the dumbest of a string of mistakes by a mom-and-son shoplifting team that police said made off with a boa constrictor from a Lee Road pet store.
To accomplish the feat, a 15-year-old teen dared to wrap the 30-inch baby boa around his neck, hide it with his jacket and slither out of Petland, surveillance video shows. Police said his mother acted as a lookout.
On Dec. 22, a day after the reptile was stolen, the accused snake-nappers returned to the store and asked clerks for books on -- yes -- caring for boa constrictors, according to police reports.

7 Pet Peeves Of A Personal Trainer

1. When a client pulls at a microscopic piece of flab on her thigh and asks, "What exercise can I do to get rid of this one little squidge right here?"2. People who come to the gym with really, really offensive BO or extreme perfume.3. Guys who pick a bench and sit and read the newspaper for twenty minutes.4. "You know, I'm in really good shape even though I haven't been to the gym in over two years."5. People who sing along to their Walkman.6. People who think they're cool because they sweat a lot.7. Guys who get all territorial about machines.

My Brother's New Fli- Plane

or is that fly hmmmmmmmmmm..............

A Time Waster For You

PICTAPS--Draw a picture, upload it, and see it dance.Click on the 'Paint' button in the lower left corner. Create your picture, click on OK, give it a name and click submit. Watch your creation dance.

And Now For Your Entertainment**********

Dance of the Flight Attendant.

A Close Knit Family

Rocks**

We Are The Champions

my frienddddddddddddddddddd

Confused Pony

Shetland pony thinks he's a puppy
This Shetland pony behaves just like a dog.
Just like his labrador friends, he wags his tail, fetches sticks and rolls on his back to have his tummy tickled.But the hooves and mane give away his real identity - as a Shetland pony. Eight-week-old Rory picked up his canine traits after he was befriended by dogs at the Essex Horse and Pony Sanctuary in Pitsea. Owner Sue Allery said: "In 18 years I've never seen anything like it. When vets visit us they can't believe it either."Can a photo be any cuter than this?

Mole Zapper Gets Zapped

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German retiree who wired up a high-voltage cable to try to wipe out the moles digging up his garden killed himself instead, police said .

Uwe Werner, police spokesman in Stralsund north of Berlin, said the 63-year-old retired construction foreman was found dead in the garden of his weekend house in Zingst next to a 380-volt cable and metal spikes rammed into the ground.
"The moles survived," Werner said, noting the voltage was enough to run a cement mixer or heavy-duty power saw. "It was in any event an unorthodox method to try to get rid of moles."

High Expectations

Old and

boring'***Old people' cause German centenarian to leave seniors' home
A lively German centenarian has reportedly left a retirement home just six weeks after moving in because she found it too boring and the other people there too old. "It was full of old people with grey hair", said Maria Milz, 100, from Blankenheim in the western state of North Rhine-Westphalia."On top of it all, I am a night owl. So in the mornings the carers would tell me that I still had sleep in my eyes. Who do they think they are?" she demanded."I packed my bags and moved back home."!

Just Outa Curiosity*********

Why do fishermen brag about outwitting an animal with a brain the size of a pea?

Drive Me Insane

DriveMeInsane.com is a website located in Texas.Spy on strange, moderately interesting people from around the world. And turn on their lights. And yes, it's all real.

Amusing Thoughts On Old Age

On the Internet nobody knows you're not 18 and blonde.*Chat rooms: where you can talk without putting your teeth in.*Every day above ground is a victory.*I love the smell of bedpans in the morning.*Think of varicose veins as a 3-D tattoo.*I wouldn't have any wrinkles if I was 5 feet taller.*Who added Jack Kevorkian to my speed dialer?*They say age builds character. Any questions?*Never trust a funeral home with a timesharing arrangement.*Life: birthstones, RollingStones, gallstones, headstones.*Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.*Consciousness is that annoying time between naps. *Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. *Old age is one big Out of Memory error.*I've frozen and I can't reboot.

A Bug

Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded. "Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."

Result Of Global Warming??

Someone left the truck out in the sun too long*

Glowing Hair Gel

SELF-ILLUMINATING HAIR GEL**A product called Voltage takes ordinary hair color and makes it extraordinary, by adding self-illuminating glow! Voltage does not rely on UV, neon or black lights to create glow. Instead, it produces its own light!Tiny, microscopic particles in the Voltage gel come together in the mixing process to produce a bright colorful glow that can be seen in partial light and in the dark for at least 6-8 hours. The glow is bright enough to even use in lieu of a flashlight to go through a campground at night!

They Just Won't Let Him Be Will They?

Introducing the singing robot Elvis
A company known for its robotic chimpanzee heads is now selling an Elvis robot.The robot also sings. There is a cartridge in the back that has eight songs and there is dialogue from the King.Plug in the microphone and you can sing like Elvis or with Elvis.The Elvis robot from Wow Wee goes on sale in August for $349.It doesn't look much like Elvis though.With video.I think he looks more like Uncle Jessie from "Full House "myself....

Excuse Me, Sir, Could You Please Take Your Hand Off My Armrest?
By an annoyed-but-timid movie-goer
Sir, excuse me – sir, can you hear me? Would you mind if, well – you see, the way these theater seats are designed, there’s really only one arm-rest per person, and well, -- yes, I know that you paid nine dollars of your hard-earned money to buy a ticket to see this movie too, and yes, I know that it’s not completely comfortable to have to sit with one hand in your lap, but sir, I must point out: this is America, and you have no right to trespass onto my armrest. Sir, there’s a time-honored system here that your very humanity compels you to respect. You see, it starts with the person on the aisle – and in this case, since we’re on the left section, he gets the armrest to his right. Then the person to his left gets the armrest to his right, and so on and so forth, until the person at the very left. Although he could have very easily have two armrest, the powers that be saw how supremely unfair this would be, and to avoid shaking the universe off kilter, they made that last arm-rest into a bath of concentrated sulfuric acid – which makes surprisingly good hot-dog dipping sauce. No, no, don’t take it the wrong way – in fact, I’ll even let you store your two-gallon tub of Pepsi on my ledge – I can keep mine on the floor, and, well, that’s fine with me – but you have to understand – if you’d wanted to rest both arms up, you could’ve gone to the OpulentPlex downtown, where for fifteen dollars a ticket, not only could you have been guaranteed two armrest, but also twice as much armrest square-footage, as well as slide-out ottomans, headrests, closed caption devices, and personal ninjas-for-hire to slay those who defy the “no smoking” policy or those annoying third-graders who say each line to themselves, and discuss the super-secret plot twist right in front of you. But that’s fifteen dollars – and, frankly sir, if you’re not willing to pay that, you’ve got to understand and acknowledge some basic ground rules: this armrest, and nothing else, is what keeps our seats separate, and that must remain inviolate. This is not a loveseat – I neither want nor desire your arms, legs, or any other part of your body in my personal space. Do you see my ticket – this doesn’t just give me the right to see this movie, but it’s a lease, it’s a contract that gives me the right to be the absolute tyrant over Theater 6, Seat J-17 for the duration of one movie (although, the management does reserve the right to break the contract by refunding my money, but let’s not muddy the waters here). I do not want you this close. Yes, this is New Jersey, but it’s not the Governor’s Mansion. Sir, please calm down. I’m not pulling the world out from under you, I’m just educating you. You’re not guilty of any crime here – you’re just ignorant. But now you know better, so if you wouldn’t mind vacating the armrest that’s rightfully mine at … no, sir, please stop that! Ouch! Security! Help! Sir, stop biting me! I knew I should have gone to the theater with the ninjas.

You Know You Have A Bad Public Defender When***

1. You ask him - scared from your cell: 'How is my case looking?' He looks gonna at the14-count indictment, discouragingly paging through the large document: 'Wow, 57 pages, that's a lot of reading.'
2. The judge asks: 'What is your client gonna plead, guilt, not guilty, no contest, or not enter a plea at this time?' A long, thoughtful pause follows: 'Your honor, my client would like to use his 50-50.' 'Okay bailiff, remove two of the incorrect answers off the board . . . okay, leaving us with guilty and not guilty.' 'Your honor, he's pretty sure that he's not guilty, but not totally sure, so he would like to use one of his life lines and ask the jury.' The judge reads this jury instruction: 'Okay everyone on the panel of the jury box is a button, and push it depending on whether you think he's guilty or not guilty.' After a nervous pause, the judge explains, 'The jury thinks you're not guilty.' 'My client was feelings the same way, he's going to plead not guilty.' 'Is that your final answer, the jury could be reversed on appeal that jury instruction was a little vague?' 'That's my clients final answer.' A hush falls over the courtroom; the judge congratulates, 'You're right - okay, let's move on to count number two, which has a $32,000 fine attached to it, and of course, you only have one lifeline left, which is you're one phone call that you're allowed from jail . . .
3. When he tells you about his legal training, he remarks, 'I used to clerk for Judge Judy.'
4. When you ask him what law school he went to, 'Nationally, it didn't have the best reputation, but locally it was quite prominent in fact during my time there they doubled the number of law library books in the school's book mobile.'
5. When he tells people about his experience with law review, he brags, 'I showed up to their informational meeting where they were served free pizza, and I ate seven pieces, and then slipped out before I had to listen to their promotional lecture.'
6. When you ask whether the bar exam was tough. He explains, 'No, you know what they say, the fifth time is the charm.' 'In fact,' he adds, 'it wasn't so bad because it was multiple-choice, so - if I didn't know the answer, I just used the force.'
7. While addressing the judge on a point of law, he argues: 'Stevens v. Montgomery - the case of the amnesiac heiress - the cite is, 23 F. Supp. 354, Oct. 23rd, 1991 - episode seven, Matlock - the fall season has been roundly criticized in this jurisdiction . . .
8. When it is time for the prosecutor to cross-examine their lead witness, your public defender turns to you and says, "Cover for me for about 2 minutes, I've just got to slip out and pay the meter.
9. You look over and you think your public defender is taking notes on his computer of the capital murder proceeding before you, but you realize that he's playing solitaire. Noticing your concern, he gestures towards the computer, and assures, "Don't worry - we're winning."
10. During closing arguments, he protests vehemently and convincingly to the jury, "Our friend Lester is a victim of police corruption. If this jury doesn't give a resounding rejection of these practices, and well, you can be the next Lester, I could be the next Lester, we all could be the next Lester. Your public defender then sits down next to you, and you turn to him and say, "Uhm . . . my name is Eugene."
11. When your public defender is held in contempt and given a 30-day jail sentence, he doesn't even need to go home and get his stuff because he already has his bag packed with his specially-fitted orange jump suit, his own toothbrush, a tattered copy of Victor Hugo's Les Miserables, and his stuffed animal 'Grape Ape.' He tells the bailiff, 'The usual cell, you know, the corner one with the private urinal, and this time could I have cell mate that's Meyers-Brigg compatible. . ."
12. When the courtroom is packed because the jury verdict is about to come down, your public defender turns to you and says, 'Let's stand up and see if we can start the wave.'
13. While the state's chief witness is testifying against you, you look over, wondering why he isn't objecting, only to find him studying a Chinese menu.

The Toilet Thief

Thief steals urinal from city pub
Police are on the hunt for a thief who stole a urinal from a pub in Hampshire. The man is thought to have spent 40 minutes removing the white toilet bowl after ordering half a pint at the Royal Oak pub in Southampton. He then stuffed the urinal in a rucksack and left the pub making sure he wiped his fingerprints off the door as he went. But his exploits were caught on CCTV and after reviewing the tape landlord Alan Dreja handed it over to police. His wife Suzie Dreja added: "He did a very professional job. He turned off the stop cock and capped off the pipe. Our staff had thought we had taken it off for repair and it was not until the evening we noticed."

5 Reasons to Retire Early

Reason #1: None of your co-workers really care how you’re doing. Not even the ones who actually like you. If you have trouble accepting this obvious fact, see how long anyone will listen to you talk about that oozing sore on your ankle, or the painful canker that you keep biting when you eat.
Reason #2: Only a few people would even notice if you stopped showing up for work. Within two to three weeks, most of them would have forgotten your name. After six months, only your dusty personnel file would confirm that you had ever even existed.
Reason #3: Your boss sees you a means of reducing his own workload. That's it. Chances are that he is so stressed out that he can't afford to care that your mother is sick, your teenagers are driving you crazy, and you're getting a divorce. The minute the time that your boss has to spend pretending to be concerned about your personal problems exceeds your usefulness to him, you're gone. (This is of course entirely fair. Really, it is. Let's face it; you don't really care about his daughter's scholarship to Princeton or his son's latest soccer trophy, do you?)
Reason #4: As soon as it becomes convenient to replace you, or to phase out your position, you will get fired. If your sick mother, your rebellious children, or your divorce interfere with your work, you will get fired. If someone higher on the corporate food chain screws up, and needs to blame someone else, you will get fired. No matter how highly skilled you may be, at the end of the day you're a cog in a huge, impersonal machine. Plus, your boss doesn't like you. Really, he doesn't. Trust me.
Reason #5: Finally, no matter what anyone says, your contribution really doesn't matter. Someone else could do your job just as well, and probably even better. If you kill yourself by working too hard, your spouse will receive a condolence card, signed by the boss' secretary and a few people she'll manage to round up, most of whom don't even know you. They'll hire someone else to do your job, and you'll still be dead. Get out while you can!HAVE A NICE DAY!

Lottery Winner Is Surprised To Make New Friends- Well Duhhh

Monroe Cortez is busy answering his phone today. Monroe was the winner of last week's Lotto in South Carolina, and ever since his name appeared in the Hartsville newspaper: The Messenger, Monroe has been trying to figure out why so many of his old acquaintances are coming out of the woodwork."People are all calling me and stuff," Monroe said, "It's pretty weird."Monroe won close to Seven Thousand dollars, most of which will go toward rebuilding old friendships. "I've done some pretty dumb things to a LOT of people, so I figure I can start paying them back with my winnings." Among those people are an ex-wife, his sister Miranda, and his ex-best friend Gary, who used the be the boyfriend of his ex-wife. All three have called Monroe in the last 24 hours. Other friends that have called are Big Steve Michigan, a bail bondsman, Fran Tyler, the owner of the local bar, and Fenmore Rowdy, his one time friend and bookie. "It's like I have friends again," comments Cortez, "I think it's time to celebrate my new-old life!" Monroe also plans on moving to Mills, South Carolina, an exclusive resort-like community known for its golf course and famed "Millionare Row," where Cortez plans to build a two bed-two bathroom aprtment, an exact replica of the apartment his mom owned when he grew up. "I don't know how much I can stretch the Seven G's," said Monroe, "but I said screw it! I'm gonna live high on the hog for a while."

New Terror- Devil Dogs

Devil Dogs threatening America's lakes, ponds and oceans-
DRAKES, MO - The Asian land-walking snakehead fish, which has been found in seven U.S. states, will no longer be a concern for the Bush administration, instead they will turn their efforts towards stopping a more serious predator: Devil Dogs.
Devil Dogs, which usually come in packs of eight, have been seen floating in ponds, lakes, birdbaths and toilets across the nation.
Similar to the snakehead fish, Devil Dogs can survive both in the water and on land (liquid does tend to make them a little soggy). Because they are chemically engineered, and no longer made with real ingredients, these creamy-filled creatures have a shelf-life of up to three eternities.
The treats came to light this summer after several Devil Dogs were found (some individually wrapped inside clear plastic bags) in an Indian ocean in northern Kansas.
According to Drake S. Duck, two quacks dunked the Dogs into the ocean because of the water’s creamy-white appearance. This fooled the men into thinking the ocean was milk. Duck claims he understands why the men had the urge, noting that both children and males over 30 think Devil Dogs taste delicious when dunked in milk.
Since then, Devil Dogs have been found in at least seven other states: Mental, Florida, Colecovision, Maine, Intellivision and WonderBread Island, according to Captain Cupcake. Sources from New York say billions of the snack cakes have made their way to Niagara Falls, transforming the great waterfalls into a Devil Dog avalanche.
Cupcake will make the announcement on Thirstday that Devil Dogs are not ferocious eaters. But, at 170 calories per dog, they are deadly when ferociously eaten. The treats are beginning to clog things up for water skiers, as well as the river boat casino industry.
On the day after the nation celebrates Holy Funny Bones Day, Cupcake will also discuss the Secret Sausage Government’s (SSG) plan to help affected states destroy the Dogs. Throwing snakes at the Devil Dogs runs the risk of upsetting whales and Martians, who enjoy removing the Dog’s top lid to get to the creamy filling.
The word from Washington is that the Bush administration has already contacted the Air Force to try and rid the Devil Dogs with an air assault of Ring Dings and Twinkies.

A Little Comic Relief**

Too Loud To Tiptoe

Every year Nike and the rest of the streetwear fashion industry tries to release limited edition shoes that people will swoon for.Once in a while, they'll be able to make a hit. More often than not though, the crazy sneaker designs are just nasty and ugly.The Top 10 Ugliest Sneakers of 2006.

Phones With Lock-up

Kept under lock and key this cell phone offers a secure connection by barring unwanted interference. This cell phone’s service provider guards against any and all intrusion from the outside world and this cell phone accepts payments on a per call basis. Unfortunately the service provider for this cell phone will keep you locked-up in a contract until your time is served.Other cell phone providers may offer more roaming capabilities but many consumers find out early on that their contracts are too confining. The best cell phone reviews are from consumers who have made a successful break-out from the confinements of their cell phone contract.Don’t be imprisoned by your cell phone provider. Search for Legal advice before locking in that cell phone deal of a life time.

Some Soldier Fun

Pictured are 2 drill instructors from Ft. Benning, Ga. testing a new breath freshener developed by the Defense Dept. on a new recruit.

1."OK. Let's see. Tank Operation: 1) Insert ignition key and turn, 2) Place gear selector into 1st forward gear ..."
2.After rescuing 5 POWs, performing recon on enemy AAA positions, blowing up an Iraqi munitions depot, then single-handedly killing 6 Iraqi soldiers with a plastic fork, Sergeant Andrew Smith takes a moment to read a chapter from his favorite romance novel.

Signs Signs Everywhere Are Signs

Mobile Dentistry

Dentistry On The Go- MMMmmm Think I will Forego That====