Friday, December 01, 2006

Stand Aside Jaws There's Something Even Scarier Out There

First JAWS, Now You Won't Be Able to Bear It!!!By Steve On The BeachThere is a creature alive today that has survived years of evolution. Without change, passion or logic, it is a killing machine. It is as if God created the devil and gave him claws.There is something on the beach that is harassing swimmers, who can no longer enjoy the sea and the sand. A Great Black Bare decides to make this beach resort town his private feeding grounds, and residents are exclaiming: "there goes the neighborhood!". Just when you thought it wasn't safe from the sharks to go out into the water, now you'll never get out of the water again because it's a bare beach.The bare (or bares) seems to have developed a newfound aggressiveness. Lance Corporal Gunny, a Marine Biologist, speculates that these bares are "really by polar." "These bares just appear to be black bares, because they have a really dark suntan," volunteered Lance.About a month ago one bare over charged a couple jogging on the beach for sun screen.In a separate incident last week, a large hairy male bare attacked and injured one dog, named Snookums, and then kicked sand in the face of a second dog, named Pooter, who is now missing and presumed to be smelly.Most residents have a grizzly horror story such as bares stealing surf boards, sex wax and pooping on sand castles.Normally, a beach bare will avoid humans while quietly drinking his cans of beer. When this street reporter suggested that the new "NO GOING BARE ON THE BEACH" sign may be pissing the bares, he was quickly given the finger and a harsh retort that "bares can't spell!"Remember: if you have an encounter on a bare beach, never make direct eye contact. The bares interpret direct eye contact as a sign of low self esteem, loser.

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