WAYS TO SPICE UP YOUR HOLIDAY SHOPPINGby: Protoclown
The holiday shopping season is upon us, and it's got to be one of the most miserable times of year. It's the one time of year I become a total hermit, let my hair grow long, and eat whatever random objects I can find around the house to survive. Because going out there and dealing with all those assholes is just not worth it. It's never worth it. But if you find that you have no choice in the matter, that you absolutely HAVE to do it, it doesn't have to be completely unbearable. There are ways that you can make it tolerable, perhaps even enjoyable. Because fucking with other people is always fun. So here are a few ways that you can spice up your holiday shopping this year:
Get your hands on whatever big noise-making toy is in high demand that year (i.e. Tickle-Me Elmo) and go to the store with your own copy of the toy smuggled in a backpack. Head to whatever aisle the toy can normally be found on to confirm that they don't have any in stock, and then hang around on the next aisle over. When you hear people on the aisle next to you, hit the button so that your toy makes its signature noise. When the people come around the corner all excited, thinking that they're still going to find the toy, head to the next aisle over and repeat the process. Try to time your crossing over to the next aisle so they don't actually get a look at you. Keep repeating the process, and see how long you can get them to follow you around the store.
Look for local postings by scalpers who are selling the hot new video game console (PS3 or Wii) for FAR more than it's worth (grocery store entryways are a popular place for these kinds of postings). Rewrite the flyer with all of the same information, only change the price to a value slightly LESS than the suggested retail. The scalper asshole will get flooded with eager phone calls, only to find those same people pissed off when they find that they've been misled by false advertising. They might even get a surprise phone call from the authorities for suspicion of stolen merchandise!
Find one of those storefronts that has a guy dressed up like Santa ringing a bell and asking for money. Dress up like Jesus and stand on the opposite side of the door with a collection plate. Make sure you glare at Santa disapprovingly, and encourage people to come up and donate money to the REAL meaning of Christmas. Then after you've collected enough, go inside the store, buy something nice, and on your way out be sure to show Santa what you've just bought.
This one will probably only work on Black Friday, or some other day that there's a major high-demand release. Find a line of people gathered outside the store, and bring a microphone and a video camera if possible. Then "interview" the people in line, asking them the most annoying, stupid or personally invasive questions you can. Drive as many of them as you can to the point of anger, but stay just out of reach of their swipes. Most of them won't risk giving up their spot in line to come after you. And if you taped it, you should have a funny video to show your friends.
Walk into the electronics section of a store, pretending to talk on your cell phone. Make sure you exclaim loudly "What? They just got a shipment of Playstation 3's at the Best Buy across town? I'll be right there!" Hang up excitedly and then make a dash for the door. See how many suckers decide to follow you out and rush all the way across town only to find nothing but disappointment waiting for them there. Of course, the egg will be all over your face if they really DID get a shipment of PS3s at the Best Buy across town, but that's a risk you'll have to take.
Dress up like a werewolf and hide on the bottom shelf on some aisle that has lots of large boxes on the bottom row that can conceal you (a toy aisle is good for this). Whenever people come down the aisle, burst forth from your hiding place, sending the boxes flying into the aisle and growl menacingly and pounce at them.
Carry a fake cattle prod (or a real one, but don't blame me when you get arrested) and whenever a bunch of slow and/or fat people are blocking your way, as they inevitably will, because slow fat people love to form a phalanx and stand in the middle of a high-traffic walkway looking confused, poke them in the back with the cattle prod and make a lout "Bzzt!" noise. If they turn around to glare at you, shout out a loud "Hyaah!" If you own a cowboy hat, you should be wearing it.
Find a really packed aisle, and crowd-surf.
Dress up in clothing from another historical era (i.e. medieval or far future) and walk into a store looking completely bewildered. Ask people around you lots of questions in-character, and when you finally go up to the register to pay for an item, try to pay for it in either ancient or futuristic currency.
This is another one for Black Friday or a new-item release. Dress up as a character from Star Wars or Lord of the Rings or another one of those popular movie franchises that all the nerds dress up for and line up with a bunch of people waiting outside the store. Talk excitedly to the people around you about how you can't wait to see the movie, how great it's going to be, etc. Ask them what they're looking forward to most about the movie. If they tell you they're not there to see a movie, glare at them and tell them they have the wrong line. If possible, make dorky use of a catchphrase from the movie to express your displeasure toward them (i.e. "I find your lack of faith disturbing" *pinch air*).
So there you go! Try some of these on for size and you're sure to have a more "jolly" holiday shopping experience than you've ever had before!
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