Thursday, January 25, 2007

Eskimo Elders Found

SEWARD, Alaska--While exploring ancient native habitats, archaeologist Herbert Swanson stumbled upon an unusual tribe of Eskimos in a secluded fjord.
"It was a tribe consisting of over three dozen old people," said Swanson. "I had a good idea why they were there, but I wanted to be sure."
Since all the Eskimos seemed to qualify as tribal elders, Swanson approached the nearest to learn more about their community.
"I arrived here fifteen years ago from the Alaskan Range," said the woman, whose name was Kirima. "You see, when a tribe is perilously low on food, the elderly are put on ice floes and sent to sea to die. It is an old custom, accompanied by much prayer and thanksgiving for the life the old one led. It may seem cruel, but it's better than being eaten by hungry young tribe members."
Kirima explained that, as it happens, Arctic currents brought centuries of exiled Eskimos to this inlet, where they established a colony called 'Fjorida'.
"There are daily shuffleboard games, in which the colonists push chunks of ice across the frozen pond using tree branches," said Swanson. "They've made mah-jongg tiles using small carved stones and they even have an igloo that serves Early Bird specials of--well, early-rising birds like the albatross and penguin."
Swanson explained to Kirima that senilicide was no longer practiced among the Eskimos, and that they could go home if they wished. "I don't think so," said the elderly woman. "We like it here. Though it would be nice if those rotten kids visited now and then."

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